Why the urgency?

I took some time off my work here. I have not take this much time off in a long while. It has been really wonderful. It took me about two days to acclimate and sink into the time off; but I really set the intention of, “lets spend this time, going through our day like we want all of our days to look like.” After all, when you are working towards something, I feel like ya gotta physically live it and not allow it to just dwell in your mind alone.

I noticed something though as the days moved on. There was this sense of urgency that creeped up inside me. It whispered at first, “let’s go, let’s go.” That voice slowly turned into “come on, move, get this dine then this then this”. It whispered then yelled at me.

‘Why the push? Why the urgency? Why do you need me to rush? What is this really about? What’s going on?’ I asked the voice, each time it spoke to me. Each time it yelled. Urged me on. It would respond with the same urging plea.

‘We are allowed to slow down. We don’t have to get everything done all at once. I don’t want to rush. Theres to much to do all in one day. Why the urgency?’

The conversation would go like this each time. Each time I would also feel my energy lower. Why though. Each time I would ask “why”? I would get a different answer from a different part of me. A puzzle piece to the problem or a clue to a solution.

My mind said, no we can go slow. My energy said, no we don’t have enough umph to make it. My body would say, sure but do we need to. My intuition said, listen, ask, learn.

My nervous system said, ya’ll are wrong. Let’s go.

I started to realize that my nervous system, well, she was uncomfortable with going so slow. She was uncomfortable with the state of accomplishment we were achieving. She is not entirely wrong though. The state of being, the state of flowing I was trying to and succeeded at being in, is in essence new. If anything I have not been able to flow or just be for just long durations before like this.

I realized in all if this, that I need to remind all of my selves (mind, body, energy, ego, nerves system, intuition) what the definition if success, achievement, progress looks like, feels like.

She does have a point though, truly. If I find myself doomscrolling or truly “wasting time”; I am glad she is around to help prompt me back in track.

I am no longer interested in rushing, perfectionism, or high energy output achievements or progress. The small things get missed and gratitude seems to get overlooked. Slow, steady, deliberate, thoughtful. That sounds nice. After all, what kind if life will I have if I look back and realize I accomplished a lot at the expense of a missing out on a myriad of moments.

So what is the urgency all about? Huh? What is the core issue? I feel like I know but also I dont care. Sometimes you need to just have a cup of tea, breathe, and acknowledge it. That is it. If an answer is needed it will come. For me, for now, I dont have the answers. I just know she wants to help and help she has.

Till next time,

Courtney